Freak Drabbles
by CampionSayn
Summary: The title and the summary inside explain it all.
1. Weapons and Mothers

Summary: This is mostly just my attempt to stave off boredom. These are a collection of freak-pairings. Not odd pairings, freak-pairings, as in, you will be hard pressed to find anything like this ever again. Five drabbles a set, one pairing a chapter. Romantic, friendship or just general association.  
Warnings: This is rated M for a reason people! Inuendo, swearing, slash, mentions of sexual relations, gore, etc. If you don't like, turn back out of this fic and move onto something else.

First round: Sarah/Ironhide. If you haven't high-tailed it out of here by now…. Good Luck.

Love, American Style:

The deep black Topkick had never liked being around so many beings once, least of all organics, but if it got Optimus off his back, he was willing to go through with it. The open field they all occupied was nice enough a distraction, fireworks, as the humans called them, lighting up the air and sky with the most colorful displays Ironhide had seen in a long time. True, the explosions of battle gave off the same effect, but something about the lighter pinks and blues made it different. In some way, it made the weapons expert happy to know none of these could even come close to hurting him.

"Pretty, aren't they?"

Looking from the sky and down next to his side, Ironhide was happy to see Sarah parking her lawn chair next to him with a pack of Zima dangling from her right hand. Her hair was done up in a braid and she was wearing a lovely jean shirt two sizes too big for her (obviously Will's) and a pair of faded grey army shorts. Quite the fetching little femme, and no Annabelle in sight. Maybe he'd get to enjoy her company for once.

Sea of Love- Cat Power:

Tiny little eyes stared up at Ironhide with absolutely no fear. The hulking giant had oftened wondered why, though Will had certainly found him threatening when they first met and Sarah had reacted by her eyes rolling into the back of her head as she collapsed backwards onto the ground, Annabelle seemed to think his as something about as harmful and scary as a butterfly.

Perhaps her genetics from her mother's side was the reason? The same day and hour when Sarah had spontaneously offlined (as 'Hide would later say), she had quickly accepted the Topkick into her and Will's home. Figuratively speaking, of course, but never the less, accepted him. _That_ was the first thing that really surprised Ironhide about Earth. The femmes he and the other Autobots came into contact with weren't afraid of them, like, at all. Sarah, especially, even trusting him to take care of her offspring while she recharged for a while. Hence the little eyes staring up at him and making him way more uncomfortable than any Decepticon.

Cassie- Flyleaf:

"Stop that now, I can't hear myself think!"

Completely surprised by the voice that came out of nowhere from under him, Ironhide did a most humiliating little jig and fell back and onto his aft. The dust from the compact dirt flew up and landed all over the black Transformer, even clinging to his faceplates while he glared at the human who dared interrupt his target practice.

The human in question, stood unwavering before him in one of her day dresses and those weird yellow gloves the Topkick only saw on her when she handled those thick yet delicate if dropped disks. The look on her face could shut up any of the army boys Will brought home and worked adequately on Ironhide.

"What is your problem, woman?"

"Can't you do that shooting somewhere else? The entire point of Will taking Annabelle out was for me to get some work done and I can't do that when that cannon goes off every five seconds!"

"Every 4.2 seconds," Ironhide corrected, chassis puffing up like a prize rooster at a county fair, only managing to make the blond standing before him turn around, go behind the house, pull out the hose he hadn't seen since he'd threatened Will that trying to wash him would result in injury, and sprayed Ironhide right in the mouth/faceplates/optics/that place on every mech that's only meant to be treated nicely.

Keep Holding On- Avril:

One moment she was there, just waiting on the edge of the sidewalk eating that vanilla ice cream she adored from that nice Albanian vendor, and the next she was gone… Now, Ironhide wouldn't admit to caring about anyone, but this 'little lady', as Jazz referred to her, had gotten on friendly terms with the weapons expert. As a result, he tended to freak out a little when she went missing for more than an hour and didn't call him or Will or even Epps.

It freaked him out even more when he heard Optimus over the comm. link telling him that the Decepticon Barricade was in his area…

Tattoo?:

"Why Sarah Lennox… Is that what I think it is?"

Rounding one of the many halls in the Autobots' new Earth base, Ironhide had found himself staring at his female charge blushing as red as Sam on many occasions and trying to keep Maggie in front of her. The blond Aussie kept trying to lift the back of the older woman's shirt and look at skin that Ironhide himself had never seen.

"Maggie, stop! It's just a souvenir from college! Oh, Maggie really, stop, I'm ticklish there!"

"Oh you big fraidy-cat! Let me see it," Maggie begged, forgoing the urge to really dig her fingers into the other woman's ribs, "From what I already saw, it was really pretty. Please?"

The black Autobot leaned back into the hall from which he'd just come, head peeking out just enough to get a look as Maggie continued pestering the mother of Will's daughter. He'd never seen Sarah look so embarrassed before, even when he'd once seen her and Will in the middle of interfacing. What could possibly fluster her this much around a being of the same gender?

"Alright, alright! You can see it, just don't laugh," Sarah finally gave, lifting the shirt herself to just below her bra, revealing to Maggie and Ironhide what the Topkick recalled Will call a tattoo.

There on her hip was a totally white, Chinese style rabbit, head facing the right and its eye the collar of emeralds. Ironhide took a little mental picture and stored it in his hard-drive for another time. Maggie was right, it was very pretty, which meant it had most probably been painful to work into that tender flesh of hers. Tough lady, but then, 'Hide already _knew_ that.


	2. Dog and Spider

Disclaimer: I don't own nothin' at all! I don't own nothin' at all!

Great amount of thanks to those who favored this and reviewed. Love reviews, love them.

Second Round: Mojo/Nokia R93i.

Because this would be just so freaking awesome in so many ways. A tiny Earth creature + a tiny Cybertonian creature = so many possibilities… Despite the fact that one's a dog and one's a hostile/possibly intelligent cell with a mini-rocket launcher… And yes, I realize the cell phone died in the first movie, but for this chapters' sake, let's say he lived somehow.

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**Fracture:**

It had happened again. Mojo had broken his leg again. However, this time it was in the back and on the right side, therefore making him even more prone to accidents and poor hygiene.

At the moment, the Chihuahua was sitting on the soft mini dog bed his mistress used when last he was injured, looking pathetic and sighing forlornly at not having anyone in the house with him. It was down-right deplorable how the humans were treating him since those giant fire hydrants kept coming over to pick them up and make "the small talk." Not the big ebony one he'd marked, but all the rest and then some.

A scraping noise sounded from the entrance of the doggy door Sam had installed in the front door and Mojo immediately perked up and tried to jump from his position. This was quickly regretted when his back leg caused him to trip and roll across the floor face first. Humiliating, if it was one of his humans.

"Mojo? Are you being here?" A slur of squeaks and chirps called out, a tiny little robotic spider… thing appearing in the kitchen doorway. The little techno-spider chirped a few more times and finally skittered across the floor when he saw Mojo's tail wagging out from under one of the kitchen chairs at his much appreciated guest.

**Little Butterfly:**

"Pinned ya'!"

Nokia gave a series of annoyed twitters as Mojo pounced atop him and started licking the spider-bots facial features. His soft tongue felt grand but Nokia had to remind himself that if they kept this up like the last time, Sam would probably pop into the garden with Bumblebee and look at them funny. Or worse, cause them to dismount and keep Mojo away from him for a few days.

Fraggers…

Nokia tried pushing the Chihuahua off with his spindly front legs, but then Mojo started nipping the bot's chest and neck plating and the cell phone decided, what the Pit? Let the fleshbag and his insect walk in. They were going to enjoy this.

**Dragon Snappers:**

Captain Lennox chuckled quietly and discreetly as Annabelle waddled after Mojo, who was chasing after Nokia in the Lennoxs' colorful garden. The toddler could barely touch the dog's tail before it dove into Sarah's flower bed, two or three Snap Dragons being torn from their stocks by the little cell phone.

Two hours into the evening, Annabelle still hadn't caught the little lovers and settled for pretending the petals of the fallen flowers were a set of hats. Will brought her into the house for her nap and didn't see the cell phone and Chihuahua again until he heard Sarah chasing them with a broom for digging up her rose bush.

**Paper Hearts:**

Nokia, despite his small stature, was seriously going to kill Frenzy. The little crackbot had snuck onto the Witwicky property to get at Sam and when Mojo had woken his master up, Frenzy had kicked Nokia's mate and broken four of his ribs before being chased away by Bumblebee.

The littlest being ever created by the All Spark fired his rocket launcher and was delighted when he saw the police cruiser he'd been aiming at swerve into a ditch on one of the few empty highways near the city. Nokia had been tracking the black Decepticon and when Barricade sent Frenzy out of his front seat to find what had popped his tire, the little silver monster would be in for a nasty surprise…

**Genie in a Bottle:**

Judy Witwicky walked through her kitchen with a smile on her face for the first time in months. Ron was reading his paper, the stock market adds catching his eye more than the look on his wife's face, but that quickly changed when he noticed the neck tie from his bedroom in her hand. She was tying it in a small loop and was walking back upstairs to Sam's room.

Ron knew that tie. The red one with the little pink smiley faces on it. He and Judy had used it many times in fair warning to Sam, lest he witness something that would lead to pointless and expensive therapy.

Deciding the paper could wait for awhile, the usually suspicious man bolted up after his wife to see what she intended to do with THE TIE.

He walked up the stairs and groaned when he saw that she was at Sam's bedroom door and fastening the tie onto the door knob.

"Judy, please, what are you doing?"

"Ssshhh!" The red head hissed, waving her arms and tip-toeing back to the stairs to force her husband away from the room, the sounds within increasing as she did so, "Don't disturb the kids. They're having fun."

"Sam and Mikaela? I thought you didn't want them having… that… for a few more months?"

Judy smacked the back of his head, "Not _our_ kid! Mojo and his little playmate."

Ron blinked a few times. He looked back up the stairs, at his wife, back again and then went back to his paper. He loved his wife, she wasn't crazy, she was just eccentric. And weird.


	3. Agent and Sniper

Disclaimer: Ownership for anything is pretty much impossible when I can't get a loan from a bank that says they'll loan money to anyone…

Okay, this drabble selection involves the awesome pairing I found featured by Flamedancer33, who is practically a god when it comes to this. As such, this chapter is dedicated to Flamedancer33 and loosely based off the fic 'All in the Job', which you must read after this, because it is that profoundly inspiring on so many, many levels.

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_Love isn't blind… It's retarded. –Two and a Half Men._

Simmons/Bluestreak… Rock On.

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**Birds, Bees and Heart Attacks:**

"What's sex like?"

Although a welcome reprieve from painting Optimus' office because Mikaela was tired of staring at grey concrete when she came in to unburden her feelings about Sam to some unsuspecting loser, Simmons nearly fell off of his ladder at the question and the voice that had sounded it off.

Clutching at the slightly wobbly wood that people were supposed to stand on at the top of the ladder, the brunette turned, sans his usually annoyed expression, to look at Bluestreak standing like a giant robotic five year old in the door. His metal fingers were tapping together nervously and everything.

"I'm sorry," Simmons said, stepping down the ladder so he dropped the percentage of himself getting injured, "Why, exactly, do you want to know?"

"Well," And here Simmons braced himself like he always did when he talked to Blue, "I was only curious, really, because Bumblebee was talking about Sam and Mikaela having sex for the first real time together and not just making out and that really deep kind of kissing they do with the lubricants in their mouths and the little stretchy things that Mikaela always has in her mouth-"

"Gum." Simmons put in helpfully.

"Yeah, that, and how they had sex on the beach, which we both thought would be really uncomfortable, you know, because of all the sand? So, I was just wondering why humans do it, because they were also making these noises like they were in pain."

Aside from the mildly amused/disturbed look on Simmons' face, the ex-Sector Seven agent didn't respond right away, choosing instead to step off the ladder and move to the table that accommodated the humans on base to get comfortable before he had to explain yet another organic horror to the young Autobot.

**Hospital Visits:**

"I'm so glad that you're okay," The grey Porsche practically wept, though that was difficult to do in car form with a very limp and just plain exhausted looking Simmons in his front seat with enough gauze on him to cover a mummy, "I really didn't think anything was wrong until Banacheck called you five times and you didn't answer. And then after the third day I just thought that you were taking a break from us or were mad at us or… I really should have gone looking for you… I'm so sorry."

"It's not your fault Blue," Simmons said faintly. His throat was still sore from the tube the nurse had pulled out of his neck, "You weren't there. It wasn't your fault I got run down by some drunk bastard. Stop worrying."

"But—" Bluestreak started up again, but silencing when Simmons' stitched up hand rubbed his steering wheel soothingly. It was one of the one things the brunette did when he was being nice for no real reason at all.

"Just take me back to base so I can tell the others to stop calling me and we'll head home for the night. 'Kay?"

"…Mm-kay."

**Not Pretty Enough:**

Simmons knew that he would most definitely regret this very soon, but at the moment he could have cared less.

Another day at the Autobot base had ended horribly, through all the fault of Wheeljack setting off the sprinklers with a fire spreading through his lab and the twins deciding to use the water on the floor as a Slip-'N-Slide. The brunette was angry, frustrated and had to be picked up by Bluestreak and taken on a drive to be kept from getting his old flame-thrower out and doing something rather foolish.

Bluestreak, young and helpful, had taken the seething human to a completely private waterfall in the middle of a nature preserve. Now, the man was left with no clothing except his undershirt and boxers and sat atop the sniper in a semi-languid pose. On Bluestreak's chassis, Simmons felt a little better, more so since the young Autobot was rubbing soothing circles on the agent's back.

"Feeling any different?" The sniper asked hesitantly.

With no warning, Simmons leaned up just enough to give Bluestreak a peck on the lips and settled back on the Porsche's chassis. He had to suppress a chuckle when the mech's engine gave a sputter at the gesture, but felt he had given a definitive 'yes'.

**Cue the Violin Music:**

Simmons gave a little snort at the display left for him by the twins. He really had to wonder how they had talked Blue into this for the fifth time and where they had gotten so much different paint in large amounts.

He ticked off the colors on his fingers as he sounded them off to blue, just to be sure he was right, "So, the first time it was deep green with grey trim, then magenta with orange, then white, the last time was that ugly eggplant with yellow. And now they did, well… This is certainly going up on the moron hall of fame. Want help getting it off?"

"Please, please, please with Energon goodies and oil on top."

The brunette allowed a small smile to light up his features as he walked over to Bluestreak and began trying to untie the large red ribbon from the hood. All in all, the Moronic Duo did manage to make the Datsun look a little more childlike with the new paint-job. Pink spots and splatters of neon tye-die notwithstanding.

**What's in a Name:**

"Are you really a king's advisor?"

Simmons looked up from his paperwork with that look he always had when Blue said something completely out of the blue and sounded like something a five year old might ask. The calculations he had been reviewing in his head took a back seat for a moment as the Autobot sat before his desk and Reggie couldn't help but be glad to be rid of the math problems for a moment.

"…Eh?"

"Well," and here Bluestreak paused the way he always did before an eons longs explanation took place, setting Simmons up to get comfortable in his chair, "Lately I've been wondering more about human customs and then suddenly a thought came to my processors about why you all have such odd little names that I couldn't understand. So, I went to Mikaela, who said that human names from all the continents have a special meaning in your own languages. Like us Transformers only really, really complicated. Like, how in the East they put their last names first and their first names second. But, then I started looking up all the names of the humans on base and found it was kind of fun, but still really confusing. Like, Captain Lennox! His first name means 'guardian', but his last name mean 'with many elms'. He only has a few trees on his home property and none of them are elms. So… where was I?"

Simmons felt he had to get this moving or he'd be in this seat forever, so he did the kind thing and lied.

"Am I a king's advisor?"

"Oh, right! Because I didn't think this particular Earth government had a king. I thought that was across the sea in the United Kingdom. So, did the internet lie again?"

The ex-agent scratched the back of his head. This would be an interesting explanation on his part, he supposed, but he'd most likely feel bad if he lied again so soon. Perhaps he should just wing it?

"That kinda depends on what you mean by king. If you're going by the older term, than, no I'm not. But, technically our president is the 'king' of our nation, and I do advise him once in a while…when he listens to me… So, I guess you could say that, yeah, I'm a king's advisor. Plus there's Prime, he's the ruler of the Autobots, which in some cultures here would make him a king and I, more or less, advise him on what to do with…. Everything he doesn't want to know about. So, maybe for once, the internet didn't lie. Yeah."

Bluestreak's optics had gained an owl's look. They'd gotten big, and glassy and his mouth was hanging open. Maybe Simmons should be afraid…

Then, like he had gotten hit by some cosmic being, Bluestreak straightened up a little. At least, enough so he wasn't staring rudely, but then he got a coy (and here Simmons did feel afraid) smirk on his face.

Reaching over the desk and the ten billion pieces of paper needing to be filled out and sent to God only knew where, Bluestreak gently rubbed Simmons' head and then rested his head on his other servo, "I knew you were awesome."

…Somewhere in the darkness of the monitor room, Prowl and Red Alert turned off the screen that showed Bluestreak and Simmons doing things that would scar the two 'Bots until they went offline, or drank heavily.


End file.
